The doctor assures me it's only a hairline crack.
Just don't let the insurance chaps find out.
Blake Edwards has got this new Panther script
and Sellers is waffling, so if you could help convince him to do it...
Exactly. What?
Blake Edwards.
My girl will wire the money today. What's the account?
The Midland Bank, Mayfair branch. Account number 462501.
Right. Thanks.
Not at all. Pleasure doing business with you. Oh, a word of advice -
don't even think of driving a red or a white car this weekend.
Not at all.
So...
Pink Panther.
No. No, too obvious.
Blake Edwards.
B.E.
Well, hooray for Hollywood.
That's extraordinary. Peter, this is good news.
You're going to become involved with a very special person.
It's going to spawn a very fruitful partnership.
I'm even getting the initials.
It's... Ah! V-E.
It's V-P... V-E.
V-P, V-E. No! B... B-E.
Peter, you must not let this person go.
Destiny's already written this chapter. You must act positively.
Yeah? So, say with me, "B-E."
Mr Sellers, sir?
God. What?
Mr Sellers, are you in there?
- Mr Sellers? - Go away.
- Are you sure you're all right, sir? - Yes, I am.
Just take your fresh fruit and shove it up your arse.
Righto, sir. Thank you very much, sir.
Britt Ekland.
Hello, Britt. You must be Britt.
You're Britt Ekland!
I'm Peter.
Peter Sellers. But call me Peter.
Baby.
Oh, sorry.
B-E.
PS. That's nice.
I like Swedes. Mashed.
Hello.
I'm Peter. Peter Sellers.
Like you, I didn't have much on this evening
and I wanted to know if you'd like to go and see a movie.
I think I'm in love with you.
But you've just met me.
Then it's still fresh in my mind.
Cookie?
Yes, please.
That is very, very good. Just look here. Super.
Super. Yes, that's... Now, just look here.
Look here. Good. Very nice.
I'll come in closer. It's all right, I've met this sofa.
We're on intimate terms.
Work with me. That is good.
Thinks, "Must take up photography as full-time job."
Now I need to get in closer. Come the full length.
Yeah. Mind if I sit here?
Oh, God, I haven't felt leather like this on my thighs since the Third Reich.
Good. Get rid of that there.
Truly, truly beautiful.
She is the most extraordinary girl. Like a tulip about to bloom.
Absolutely exquisite.
Phenomenal in bed.
It is funny, isn't it?
I keep saying that I'll never get hooked again, I'm tired of having my heart bleed,
yet I think I want to marry her.
That is, if you think it's OK.
Oh, decisions, decisions.
- Will you come to my suite, my sweet. - Drive on, James! Now!
Ooh, it's the cops. Act normal.
It's all right, Officer, I'm fully licensed.
Oh, I'm so sorry, my darling.
Care to put on some music, love?
- It doesn't work. - Don't trouble yourself, sweetheart.
There are many ways of making beautiful music.
Cheers.
It's a bit dark in here. Could you get the curtains, darling? It's that switch.
What d'you say? Would you care to become the second Mrs Sellers?
Better hurry up, love. I've only got the band for another half-hour.
I love you, Peter!
Do you hear that, folks?
- She loves me on a scratched film. - Here we go!
Peg, what do you think of the new cottage?
- You're watering the gin. - In your case, that's not a bad idea.
You've only known that Nazi for three weeks.
Peg, I couldn't be happier.
Why are you making the same mistake all over again?
Because, my love, they won't let me marry you.
Mr Sellers, how's about a shot of you and your mum?
So, where's your honeymoon?
Where else, Peg? Hollywood, US of A.
- Happy, darling? - I'm about to be.
Oh, that's good!
Oh, that's good! Oh, my God! You're very good, you know.
Wait. Wait. Wait.
- No. Oh. - Breathe. Breathe. Breathe in.
Are you sure you're my wife?
What do you mean?
Because no wife should be that good in the sack.
Is that what I look like?
Just one minute.
Peter.
- Britt, call a doctor, would you? - Peter...
Send for the anaesthetist.
Just try to breathe, Peter.
Would you wait outside, Mrs Sellers? It's gonna be fine. Please.
He's arrested.
- OK, let's charge to 120. - 120.
Clear.
- No pulse. - Come on.
...Peter Sellers, fighting for his life in a California hospital.
Mr Sellers has suffered a serious setback.
His condition is said to be grave and deteriorating.
No pulse.
Clear.
There you go.
Oh, God, Mother.
Mother, we've only been married for six weeks.
They don't know.
I don't know.
Damn! He's gone again.
- OK, charge to 180. - 180.
Clear.
We have been informed that his father also succumbed...
Having come to fame some years ago as a member of The Goon Show...
Both channels.
- Clear. - Still no pulse.
- Charge to 240. - 240.
Clear.
Come on, Peter, come on.
Please do give my regards to your president.
And I thought I knew something about...
The Doomsday machine...
You've had a little too much...
It is essential that we do not have fear...
Perhaps a little...
I have no hesitation, categorically...
I don't care...
You've got enough on at the moment without having any more piled on.
Tell the world.
- They mentioned something... - On the one hand...
Watch out!
Comrades, the meeting is closed.
There will be ten females to every male.
- I'm out of here, mate. - I think so.
...for the burmb. - Oh, Mein Führer!
Oh, goodness me. I'm a man!
Yeah!
OK, we got him back.
Let's get an IV in.
Hello, children.
Can I have a little fairy kiss?
The spirits have spoken.
Daddy's come back from the dead.
And nothing can ever hurt him again.
Peter?
Come on. Good boy.
Peter!
You're still weak.
This isn't taking care of yourself.
From now on there'll be no more characters, no more costumes.
Starting next week,
the world's going to get a look at the real Peter Sellers.
What's next week?
Who are you? How did you get past my guards?
Good evening, darling. My name is Bond. James Bond.
You know.
Aren't you going to do something... funny?
- Cut! - First positions everyone!
How we doing, Pete?
Feel free to, er, improvise.
We're doing a spoof here, remember.
I'm playing it straight, as myself. Like Cary Grant.
That's funny. Yeah.
That's... that's very good. Yeah. Yeah. Satirical, yeah.
Good evening. My name's Bond.
James Bond.
My God, but you're lovely.
That was great!
Genius.
We meet again. I knew you wouldn't give up.
- Christ, Peter. When are you coming back? - Wouldn't you like to know?
Seeing as we're three weeks behind schedule, yeah, I would.
You know, Joe, I think today is not a lucky day.
Not lucky at all. The voices are telling me not to risk it.
I hear voices, too, Peter! And d'you know what they tell me?
They tell me that if you're not on the set by this afternoon,
both your legs are gonna be broken!
I don't think we're hearing the same voices.
Peter, you wanker! Get back here! Now!
- Hello. - Just answering nature's call.
I'm not feeling very well.
Darling, there are lots of other bathrooms in the house.
That's not what I meant.
- What? - I'm pregnant.
Oh, well,
I suppose you'll have to... you know.
What?
Well, have an abortion, sweetheart. I'm sure it can be arranged.
No. I want this child.
I've got two already. Have one of mine.
Peter, I want to be a mother to our child.
I've always... given you room for what you needed.
- Darling, is now the right time? - Yes.
You are healthy.
We are in love.
Oh, Peter, let's have this baby.
- Bombs away. - Plop.
Well, you hurry up.
And I'll go and call Mother.
Keep breathing, love.
The hospital's just up ahead...
I think.
All right, lads, give her some air.
Oh, we're fine, thank you.
- How d'you feel third time around? - Ecstatic, absolutely thrilling.
You'll be fine. Just make it quick.
- We start filming in a week. - Don't you worry, you'll be all right.
I'll take care of you now.
Goddammit!
Cut!
Take the fucking baby and get the hell off the set.
Please. She's fine now.
- Off! - No.
My big scene is coming up.
Not any more.
Fine. You do it. Ciao.
- Yes. - Is that my Peter?
Hello, Peg. What's the news from the front?
I'm in hospital.
It's the old heart, Peter.
Oh, well, we all know about that one, dear. You'll be up in no time.
That's not what the doctors say.
They're trying to bump up their fee.
If they say you're dying, when you walk out they can claim they saved your life.
Come home, love. I need to see you.
Nonsense, Peg.
All you need is a wash and brush-up and you'll be as good as new.
No, it's not like that. Listen...
Just a minute.
Your boy's needed, Peg. You understand.
I'm a star now.
These people can't do a thing without me.
It's everything you ever wanted.
I love you, Peter.
I'll see you soon. We'll go to tea.
Peter?
See how strong he was.
Most men would have crumpled at, "I love you, Peter."
But not my son.
He came through like a champion.
A star has an obligation to himself.
Family weighs you down.
You think he was cruel to me? Of course he was.
That just means that he'd learnt his lesson.
There are no rungs for the weak on the ladder of success.
And my Peter is a strong climber.
Real stars don't have time for tears.
Can I get you anything, my darling?
Oh, Peter.
There's nothing you could have done.
It's not your fault.
"It's not your fault.
"There's nothing you could have done."
- Oh, Peter, stop it. - "Oh, Peter, stop it. Stop it, Peter."
Christ, woman, can't you say anything real?
First of all you can't act, then you can't stop.
- You... - Just shut up!
- You bastard! - Am I? Am I?
- You've no idea. - Fuck you!
No! Fuck you!
You hit me with me mum.
Fuck you, Peter!
Fuck you and your mum!
Mama, mama, mama, mama.
Pretty num-num.
Oh, dear.
Well, Mr Sellers,
what would you like to look like?
Why, Doctor, I'd like to look like you.
You know how they clean theatres?
They put on one of my films. It's so easy to hoover between empty seats.
Now I've found something I really want to do
and I can't get anyone to give me the cash.
I've read this ten times in the last year.
The main character is a man with no self.
No discernible personality.
I find myself thinking about this man a great deal.
About how sad he is?
No, about how marvellous his life must be.
He has no future, no past, no responsibilities.
He's simple, boring, an absolute blank.
People expect nothing from him and love it when they get just that.
This is going to be my next film.
- Are you absolutely sure about that? - Absolutely.
Cos you do have a choice, you know.
- Have you read it? - I've made some notes.
I think it could be very funny.
I don't like choice, Maurice.
You're so full of doubt.
How can we make that doubt go away?
We know, don't we?
Peg? Peg, can you hear me?
Peg sees you, Peter.
Hello, Peg.
I love you, Peg.
What do you need from me, dear?
I don't know what to do next.
My heart's been troubling me.
And I think, I think my mind...
Peg's here.
She's always with you, Peter.
Now I've had a look at your heart
and your heart's fine.
Now what you need to do is work.
You give so much joy to so many people, Peter.
I can see it from here.
Do it for me, for your mother.
Do another Pink Panther.
Are you sure, Peg? Are you really sure?
Lt'll be a huge hit.
And that'll give you the power to make Being There.
I hear this one's not coming to a theatre near me.
The studio deemed its box-office potential as limited.
Then I suppose this comes at just the right time.
I could never be this broke.
It wasn't easy for me to come here, Peter.
Why, did your limousine break down?
I considered making you kiss my ass.
Not after that script's been through it.
Still the funniest bastard around.
Look, Peter, I didn't come out of desperation.
I think it's a good idea and I can't do it without you. You need the money, I don't.
And I don't need the aggravation that you're gonna bring me.
What if I told you to fuck off?
I'd say your ex-wives will be disappointed in that attitude.
- Fuck my ex-wives. - I have.
Now I know why you divorced 'em.
Blakey! You are the only son of a bitch who really understands me.
- God. I love you. - I love you, Peter.
How sad is that?
This script could be terrific. We'll give it the Sellers-Edwards touch.
- I've got lots of ideas. - We start shooting in six weeks.
Better make it eight.
Peter... I'm calling the shots here.
Darling! Over here!
This is sure to be another stunning success. How does it feel?
- Well-deserved, I can assure you. - Thank you.
Hello, Blakey. Is this going to be your usual load of rubbish?
Hello, my dear friends. Thank you for coming out tonight.
I have something I'd like very much to say to you all.
We would not all be here if it were not for the efforts of one man -
one man whose vision you will soon see writ large on the silver screen.
I am of course referring to Mr Blake Edwards.
Get him up here, folks.
Come on, Blakey. Up you come.
Jolly good.
- Come on! - Thank you!
Thank you!
Let me tell you something about this man.
He is absolutely talentless.
No, but seriously, no one - and I repeat that -
no one has managed to do so much, having so very little.
Give me that.
People ask me why I compromise my artistic integrity
by walking in front of Blake's cameras.
You know what I tell them? Money.
It's true.
That and the knowledge that no matter how bad the picture is,
I'll always be the best thing in it.
- Thank you. - Oh, look, he's bashful, folks.
Why shouldn't he be? In an industry that worships mediocrity,
you, Blake, truly have added new lustre
to the term "middling talent".
So enjoy the show... if that's at all possible.
I...
I knew we should've gotten Ustinov.
The ambitious Sellers presents a portrait of determination.
You've reached the home of Peter Sellers.
Mr Sellers is unable to take your call, as he is off leading a normal life.
Please leave your message after the series of tones.
Oh. Hi, Dad, it's me, Mike.
I tried you on the phone but Sarah thought you might be in Switzerland.
Anyway, Mum told me about the operation, the pacemaker and everything.
That must be fun. I know how you like gadgets.
Well, anyway, I hope you're, er, you're OK.
Right, take care, Dad. Bye.
I'm just an old, salty sea dog.
Peter, are you in there?
Will you give me a goddamn break already?
You know something, Sellers, you are a major league pain in the ass.
Peter!
Was he difficult? He was the star - of course he was difficult.
You know who's not difficult? Troy Donahue.
Christ. I need a smoke.
I worked with Sellers for what, 20 years, on and off?
Six movies.
I never laughed so hard.
I never cried so hard.
The last straw? There were endless last straws.
You say, "last straw", five seconds later you're saying, "Action".
I can't explain it. It was like watching a cobra.
You're mesmerised.
What did he do after me?
The only thing he never gave up on.
They all wanted me to be a clown.
They'll pay me millions to be a French, mustachioed, karate-chopping twit.
But this is so much more.
What do you want to do, Peter?
Isn't that what I just asked you?
Oh, shut up.
Yowser.
Ain't you the gentleman this mornin'?
I'm gonna go now.
Yes.
You're gonna need somebody.
You oughta find yourself a lady, Chance.
Guess it oughta be an old lady,
cos you ain't gonna do a young one any good.
Not with that little thing of yours.
You're always gonna be a little boy, ain't you?
Bye, Chance.
Bye, Louise.
'Scuse me. 'Scuse me. Aren't you Peter Sellers?
- Yes, I am. - Would you mind?
Thank you. Thank you very much. I mean, you... you were... the man. That's it.
You're always gonna be a little boy, ain't you?
Bye, Chance.
Bye, Louise.
Mr Edwards. Pardon me, but have you seen Mr Sellers?
No, and he's 20 minutes late. Did he call?
No. He's here.
I think maybe you should see him.
Peter?
You can't come in here.